The Misadventures of Captain Wolf

Women don’t want to hear that you were responsible, left early, and got there on time. They want to hear that terrible traffic made you late, so you had to speed like a mad man, because you didn’t wana keep your baby waitin’ ;)

Now Crew, society will have you believe that lying to a cop is impossible and will land you in jail, all of my experiences with them prove this is not true. Remember, police are mere mortals.

Jr. year of high school my current crew and I used to hang at this coffee shop book store that was conveniently open very late and next to a dark and secluded alley way. We were in said alley gallivanting as teenagers will do, and discovered that the “no parking” sign came out of the ground by it’s pole. The next fifteen minutes consisted of swinging the sign and pole around and making lewd jokes with it (we WERE highschoolers). No sooner than we slid the sign back into the ground did a police car roll up. “We got a complaint from the bar across the street that you kids were messing with this sign…”

My first thought was, don’t cops have better things to do? Then I realized my comrades were too terrified of the officer to deal with him, so I stepped forward as their fearless leader: “We weren’t messing with the sign, somebody took it out of the ground so we put it back in it’s place.” He ofcourse didn’t believe me, but he wasn’t there so he couldn’t do anything about it. He stood there for a while, waiting for someone to say something he could use, and when we stuck to my story he pointed to me and asked for my name. I stayed with my decision to lie my way out of it, and gave him a fake name “John Holstein” (a variation of my secret identity). The lies both worked and the cop left, Which goes to show that cops are NOT all knowing!

We are all God, just as equally as we are all The Devil.

This is another story from having just turned 18 (turns out that really sucks)

I had just broken up from an extremely unhealthy and serious relationship, and was looking for a rebound when I drove by a petite but mature looking punk rock girl with a pixie cut. Due to my irresistible charm we soon started a casual relationship… Little did I know she was clinically Bi-Polar. So me and Pixie Cut go on this weekend camping trip with some of my friends,and had a blast. The weekend would have been a success, if not for her parents finding out about it as soon as she got back. Her Perentals chewed her out and grounded her from EVERYTHING for all of eternity, this sent her into a Bi-Polar rage. She ran away from her parents into the wilderness behind her house - This wouldn’t have been such an issue if she didn’t live on a military base located on a wild life preserve.

Her parents got the military police in on the search and after they found her they questioned her - This too, wouldn’t have been an issue, if she’d just told them about the parent fight and camping trip instead of the underage drinking an smoking of illegal substances on said camping trip. After her interrogation she called to let me know she wasn’t 17 like she had originally told me “Shit, 16?” I said, to which she replied “Not quite, I’m 15.” You can imagine my terror and confusion.

Luckily I got a very liberal judge, and on my court date he looked over my case and said “Sounds like yall were just having some fun, don’t do it again” and gave me 20 hours of community service at a women’s rape recovery center… that’s a  whole nother story.

Curse words are only bad because society tells you they’re bad. People only get offended by them because society tells them to be offended. They don’t hurt anyone, signify any level of intellect, or use up any precious resource. So to the people that prolong this illogical, extremely negative cycle: FUCK YOU.

Always remember crew: No good dead goes unpunished.

Senior year of high school I liked to go to a bunch of underground punk shows, which was convenient considering a pizza place on the outskirts of town hosted one twice a month. There was beer, pizza, plenty of music to mosh to, and you could dress however you wanted! (I usually went as a Punk Pirate) -ONE night I went into the parking lot to cool off, and noticed a crowd of people circling around something. Expecting to see a fight I eagerly approached, and was severely disappointed to find two drunk, high, and probably roofied teenage girls. The crowd vanished (besides me and their friends) when a security guard for the show came over and said “They don’t have to go home, but they’ve got to get their drunken minor asses away from my show.” When their friends confessed to not being able to drive, the guard asked me to take them somewhere, and, being a super hero, I accepted.

In the car I gave them an ultimatum: Direct me to one of their houses or I take them to the hospital. They were in the middle of protesting this when they started blowing chucks in my back seat; So I stopped at an albertsons, bought them some bred and water, and left them to finish throwing up as i went back for their friends (I figured one of them could tell me how to get these girls home). Luckily by the time we got back the police had arrived to handle the situation, but their friends wanted to be sure, so we walked into the Albertson’s to spy through a window.

In Albertson’s something TOTALLY unexpected happened. As we we’re minding our own business spying through a window, an old, white haird, hick came speed walking through the Isle mumbling “damn stupid kids in my fucking way” and knocked my friend Angie over with his cart. I immediately exclaimed “What the Fuck Ass Hole!?” to which he left his cart, got up in my face, and replied “I’M the Fuckin Asshole then?” -“Yeah, you ARE a Fuckin Asshole” I said just before the man Lunged At My Throat, shoved me into the soda shelf and Chocked Me! Instead of punching his elderly lights out I threw my hands into the air, and when he let go I informed him that the cops were just outside and he was going to jail for assault.

Outside I ran to the cops and asked for help, but instead of listening to my story, the officer said “An anonymous call sated that a PIRATE abandoned two drunken minors here…” I hung my bandana’d head and submitted to questioning. After telling them my story (I had done nothing wrong) they informed me that they had probably cause to check my vehicle, and if they found the throw up they’d have to take me in for Felony Child Endangerment! Luckily, Angie knew where I kept my spare key, and took my car back to the punk show when she saw me with cops; single handedly saving me from incarceration. So remember kids: don’t tell the cops nothin.

If you aren’t where makes you Happy: Leave… or get Laid, both should work.